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Understanding my own asexuality

It took a long time to understand my sexuality, and realise that I was queer. My wedding was planned by the age of nine, and though I didn’t know what crushes really were or felt like, I thought having a boyfriend was a thing.

My first (and last) date with a boy was sweet, however it felt absolutely disgusting when he kissed me suddenly. I felt like a huge boundary had been crossed and I didn’t want to do this. We didn’t go on another date after that.

It was around my twenties that I questioned what my sexuality was. I wondered if I was pansexual as I was attracted to the boys in books as well as girls and non-binary folk, but then realised it was their personalities I liked and it still didn’t mean I wanted to date them.

It wasn’t until I came across a post about asexuality on Tumblr that I realised I was asexual too, and the sex repulsed kind. I didn’t want that sort of relationship and I was absolutely fine just going on friend dates.

Tumblr and Twitter also helped me understand the scope of Asexuality, how you could still have kinks, be romantically and aesthetically attracted to someone and that there were asexuals who did have sex but still didn’t have that sexual attraction. It helped me know where I fit in the spectrum of Asexuality and find my community.

Unfortunately, explaining it to people and having them understand wasn’t easy. I got a lot of people shaking their heads, telling me it wasn’t a think and it was because I was still a virgin. I had a lot tell me I just had to try it and I would changed my mind, even thought that would technically be rape as I wouldn’t be consenting to it. I was told I’d find the right person and have a normal relationship eventually, asked if I’d been raped previously and that’s why I felt this way and told time and time again that asexuality wasn’t a thing.

Despite following other asexual people online, I felt horribly alone.

It got worse when parts of the LGBT community decided Asexuality wasn’t a part of pride, that we weren’t queer enough, even though the full scope of the name of the community is LGBTQIA, with the A for Asexuality. My own community was telling me I didn’t belong at pride, and heterosexuals were telling me my sexuality didn’t exist and one day, I would want to have sex.

The acceptance and validation of my sexuality came slowly. Thanks to Sex Education portraying an asexual character, Alice Oseman’s novels with asexual rep and multiple asexual advocates on Twitter fighting against acephobia, I’ve been able to stand up and be adamant that no, I’m not going to change my mind and I’m never going to have sex. End of.

It is exhausting, to be viewed as making things up or just saying something that isn’t true, however I get that anyway with being autistic and I am used to advocating for myself. I’m hoping that, in time, there will be more asexual authors and TV shows with proper representation so that we can use it for reference when trying to make people understand that relationships can mean different things to different people.

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Bibliophile Autumn lover Avid page turner

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